Secret life of married porn stars

WARNING: Adult content

I HAVE met many couples in the adult industry who are in open relationships. For them making the transference to porn is just a matter of being open and on screen.

But is it possible to be a porn star and still be monogamous?

This is the case for Joanna Angel, an award-winning adult star, director, producer, author and CEO, and her husband Erin, who is also an award-winning adult star.

That might be a difficult concept to get your head around considering they both get paid to have sex with other people for a living, but this also allows us to see how different sex is on screen.

You will hear people say that porn sex is not real sex. While it does involve two (or more people) engaging in sexual acts, it’s the fact that the intent is not the same as in real life and the intimacy is not there that allows some porn couples to keep their relationships monogamous off set.

Joanna and Erin met six years ago, before he was in the adult industry. Joanna had promised herself she would never date another porn performer after a messy breakup, however dating what she calls a “civilian” (someone outside of the porn industry) also has its challenges around the concept of going to work.

“Erin and I dated for a good month and I didn’t do any scenes, but then eventually that changed. I would explain to him when I was on set that I’m the director as well, so I don’t have a lot of time to do texting and calling.

“At first he was fine. He was in fact a fan. But in the middle of the day, he would sometimes feel like he was going crazy. He was very honest with me when he felt insecure. He didn’t feel like he was as good as the guys on set and it hurt his ego.”

MORE: Porn stars have kids too

MORE: My ‘big-break’ in porn was a nightmare

Joanna’s marriage with Erin is monogamous. It’s a decision they made after she struggled with jealousy in a previous relationship.

“Before my relationship with Erin, I dated another civilian, but I was feeling insecure about my job, so I told him to go and have fun with other girls.

“I thought that’s what I needed to do to make it fair. But I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t want an open relationship, but I felt due to my job I had to.”

She explains she “went insane” after a girl her partner was seeing started posting things on social media, realising there was a clear difference between his emotional intimacy with her, and the work she was doing.

When Erin got into the industry, Joanna began to experience what he used to feel.

“I don’t do that many scenes anymore. I do 12 — 14 scenes a year. And now he does 12 — 15 scenes a month. The tables have turned, and I feel like I’m the civilian dating someone in the industry.

“We then had to have the same conversations when we were first dating, and I learnt that I cannot pretend to be OK with things.”

Joanna explains that just because she is also a porn star, it does not mean her husband working in porn always feels OK.

“If I feel uncomfortable I say it. There has been two times with two girls that whatever there was, I felt uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen very often.”

And as if being married in porn wasn’t complex enough, Joanna is also sometimes the boss and can put her directors hat on when it comes to working with her husband. “I direct my husband all the time and it’s not weird at all. It’s probably weird for the other girl. For the next hour, I’m not his wife. For the next hour, I tell them to … give me a good scene. If I sense a girl is holding back because of me I leave the room.”

Professional porn is a controlled environment and it’s that context that allows those in monogamous relationships to be at ease when it comes to their partner doing a scene with another.

“The controlled environment really changes everything, even if you are having sex with your own husband on set.

“If you are in bed in the morning and you surprise him, that’s spontaneous sex.

“That’s not the way it happens on set. It’s still him but it’s a different version of him. And being a guy in porn, you are an athlete. You have to do something that is not natural.

“You have to be aroused for a long period of time, change angles to allow the right shot for a camera and then ejaculate when you are told to. That is not something any guy can do at home.”

It’s clear monogamy is a complex term. While some might think that not having sex with others is a way to be monogamous, others will be hurt by emotional connections, online flirting or non-physical intimacy with someone outside of a relationship.

Joanna and Erin might be having sex with other people while at “work”, but the sex they choose to freely have at home is different, spontaneous and full of intimacy as well as pleasure. There are no cameras, no characters and no strict start and stop. That is the way they keep their union separate from their roles as adult stars.

Dr Nikki Goldstein is a sexologist, relationship expert and author. Follow her on Twitter: @DrNikkiG_