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Cracks in Taylor’s squad? There’s another Hollywood group that’s much better

OPINION

WHEN entrepreneur and tech mogul Kim Kardashian crushed pop star Taylor Swift with a simple but effective Snapchat video this week, it affected more people than we realised.

It threw an entire group of young, innocent, part-time actresses and sometime models into a spin. Sorry. A “squad” of young, innocent, part-time actresses and sometime models into a spin.

Not to get all Sonia Kruger, but it’s my personal belief the word “squad” should be banned. “Banger” too. But it’s Taylor Swift’s world, so who am I to argue? Or is it Kim’s? I don’t know anymore.

Anyway, a group of girls between modelling jobs were left to make the ultimate decision: Do we speak out in support of our leader, Taylor?

After all, she throws the best sleepovers. And she paid for that giant inflatable slideat her Fourth of July party.

Do I tweet out in support of her? Maybe post a stoic selfie on Instagram and let people read between the lines? Or will I stay silent and keep as far away from this crap storm as I can?

Surprisingly, most of the girls remained silent. And they probably began filling out applications for another Hollywood squad. A squad so superior and no-fuss the word “squad” isn’t even used to describe it.

***

For a long time now, Swift’s group of girlfriends has been portrayed as the ideal friendship group. But honestly, it just seems exhausting. All those Insta snaps. Dressing so your outfits are matching but with slight variations. And they probably communicate solely on Snapchat. I still don’t know how to use Snapchat properly and I’m pretty sure I’ve been accidentally sending nudes to everyone in my contacts.
When it comes to celebrity groups, Taylor Swift’s is not the goal. You want to be in Chelsea Handler’s. Over the years, the talk show host has acquired strong, funny, down-to-earth girlfriends who also just so happen to be at the top of their game in Hollywood. In the circle is Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon and Charlize Theron. And sometimes Sia pops up. It’s a totally equal playing field. They’re all just as successful as each other. They each have their own stuff going on and there’s no competition. And things in this group would be far more interesting than sitting around on a Friday night with Selena, listening to her crap on about Justin Bieber.

Chelsea Handler and Jennifer Aniston.
Chelsea Handler and Jennifer Aniston.Source:Getty Images
Sandra Bullock and Chelsea Handler.
Sandra Bullock and Chelsea Handler.Source:Getty Images

At two in the morning, on the deck of a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, I want to get deep with Jennifer about the moment she realised her marriage to Brad was over and then maybe throw to Drew to hear a funny yet tragic anecdote from her reckless teen years. To lighten the mood she’d then rope Cameron into re-enacting a scene from Charlie’s Angels and I’d fill in as Lucy Liu. I’d make Drew recite the “and that’s kicking your ass” line, complete with the lisp.

Then after I’d had too much to drink, I’d steal Sia’s wig and she’d chase me around the yard and I’d throw it in the pool and we’d all laugh.

What the hell kind of story is Gigi Hadid bringing to the table over at Taylor’s slumber party?

***

When it comes to Taylor’s squad, no recruits are as famous as her. Sometimes the group is spiked with a major celebrity appearance, but it’s never a permanent addition.

Below Taylor is her best friend Selena Gomez. Selena’s like your bestie in high school with whom you’ll always have a connection, but she just never made it out of your hometown.

After the whole mess with Kim spilt over this week, Selena came out and tweeted her support with an uninspired call for “more truth less hate”. Martha Hunt (a model) tweeted something similar and vague as did occasional squad call-in Ruby Rose.

And that’s about it.

Gigi Hadid, Martha Hunt, Hailee Steinfeld, Cara Delevingne, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and Serayah McNeill at the 2015 MTV VMAs.
Gigi Hadid, Martha Hunt, Hailee Steinfeld, Cara Delevingne, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and Serayah McNeill at the 2015 MTV VMAs.Source:Getty Images

Nothing from Cara Delevingne. Not a peep from Gigi Hadid. Hailee Steinfeld’s been a mouse. Karlie Kloss? Lorde? Lena Dunham? Nup.

As I wrote last week, I imagine being in Taylor Swift’s squad is kind of like being in Scientology.

In a few years from now, I’m sure we’ll see Cara Delevingne doing a Leah Remini-style tell-all about her attempts to escape the cult and how she’s being threatened with the release of her darkest secrets.

Miss one DVD night and you’ll probably be bumped from the group completely and replaced with some blonde chick whose dad was famous in the ’90s.

So you can only imagine the repercussions squad members might experience for failing to offer back-up in this most recent predicament.

After all the day trips, summer vacations and parties Taylor’s rolled out for her pals, she turns around after having shreds torn off her to find herself squadless. Alone. With nothing but a giant inflatable Fourth of July-themed water slide.

@hellojamesweir

Taylor and her giant water slide

Source: News Corp Australia Network:

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