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The Republican Presidential Primary’s Biggest Losers, Ranked

Thanks for playing, candidates. We have some lovely parting gifts.

First of all, to all of those who fell to Donald Trump in the recently concluded Republican presidential primary, take heart! Your speaking fees are going to get a nice big bump. This is just one of the perks of running for president. “Former presidential candidate” has as nice a ring to it, much like “Golden Globe nominee.” We’re assuming that this was why many of you ran in the first place.

Yet although the Republican Party was thought to have its deepest bench in decades, only one person could win. There will be wounds to lick, careers to reconsider, consultants to fire, and people (well, probably “the media”) to blame.

But some of the losers are going to enter this post-2016 primary period with brighter futures than others. Some actually made tangible gains for having endured the bitter taste of defeat. Some will take the lessons learned and steel themselves for another run. And some of them are Carly Fiorina.

On this week’s First To Last, we take stock of the fallen to see who fell the furthest. This will be of little consolation to most of you. Still, best of luck in your future endeavors.

  RANK FORMER CANDIDATE
1
 BEN CARSON
After distinguishing himself as the official presidential candidate of Belsomra and endorsing Trump's victory as "not the scenario I would have preferred," he'll be granted the honor of overseeing The Donald's official veep search. Maybe he'll go Dick Cheney's self-appointment route?
2
 CHRIS CHRISTIE
Most of the time, it’s actually frowned upon if you sell your soul at wholesale prices. But this is American politics, whe-re it’s almost required to get ahead. Christie will likely end up as Trump’s running mate or attorney general. Given enough time, he may -- like an E. L. James protagonist -- even grow to love the collar and the leash.
3
 TED CRUZ
He torched his relationships with Beltway Republicans, only to lose to a bigger arsonist. Now he seems on the horns of a dilemma: Will he return to kissing Trump's ass, or stick with his belated "the man is a pathological liar" critique? He'll probably do whatever sets him up for a 2020 run.
4
 LINDSEY GRAHAM
He was the star of the undercard debate stage for fully manifesting GOP self-loathing in human form. Likely to be an archbishop in the Republican Party's Avignon Papacy. Fully in DGAF mode, he'll be giving great copy to reporters for the next year.
5
 JOHN KASICH
John Weaver's second attempt at an experimental art project candidacy got a lot further than his last outing with Jon Huntsman. Kasich himself, having successfully conned people into thinking he’s a warm and fuzzy moderate, could emerge as a dark horse running mate for Trump. But would he do it?
6
 SCOTT WALKER
He looks like a genius for getting out of the race early. He looks like a prophet for warning the big field he left behind that they’d better consolidate against Trump. As for his candidacy itself and the pressures he failed to master, let’s just say he’s made a lot of mistakes f-rom which he can learn.
7
 MARCO RUBIO
Beaten and broken by the end of the race, the soon-to-be-former Florida senator has a murky political future. Which frees him up to move onto the more lucrative post-political path of lobbying/private equity/corporate board career. But he’s lately re-emerged as a leader in the fight against Zika...proving that he’s still got some of his old policy-workhorse personality -- and political fight -- left in him. See you in 2020?
8
 JIM GILMORE
He got verified on Twitter at last. In the context of this race, that's coming out ahead.
9
 RAND PAUL
Has returned to the Senate, whe-re he's kept himself far f-rom the 2016 hype. Genuinely difficult to see what his next move is, however.
10
 GEORGE PATAKI
We’re pretty sure that Pataki is too post-relevant to worry about how he’ll fare in the future.
11
 MIKE HUCKABEE & RICK SANTORUM
Frick and Frack Trump sycophants are positioned to help Donald unlock more of the evangelical vote. But does he need them?
12
 JEB BUSH
Got to be the test case that proved that the old Bush family model of winning political campaigns was no longer applicable. Family solidarity against Trump will help preserve his dignity, but he's got at least one awkward Thanksgiving dinner ahead of him.
13
 RICK PERRY
On board as a Trump endorser. Other than that, the good news is that maybe people have forgotten he was even in this race? Gosh, we're sorry to have even mentioned it.
14
 CARLY FIORINA
Somehow found a way to lose the 2016 race twice, erasing Tom Eagleton's ignominious record for shortest vice-presidential shelf life along the way. Really needs to find a profession at which she won't fail (Fox News contributor).
15
 BOBBY JINDAL
His presidential campaign was his ticket out of Louisiana. Now he gets to spend more time in the state he destroyed. Alas!
Photos: Getty, Associated Press

Author: Huff Post U.S

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